Stacy and I slept at the RMH until 3:30 am when the phone rang. Lindsey was anxious and wanting her Mommy. She has steadily needed increased oxygen and was going on that forced air mask thing. The nasal thing isn't enough. She really needs to wake up, cough REALLY hard and get those kidney's going. Now it is 10 am and I'm quite nervous to call and find out. When I haven't heard how she is doing for a while, my mind starts to go places. I assume she is going down hill, but yet I don't want to call. They know what they are doing and all I do watch the monitor, seeing her blood pressure rise to high or drop to low, or see her heart pressures rise, see her temperature rise, her oxygen level drop, or seeing blood soaked bandages around the old nasty cannula sites. All these things were going on last night. Yes we can all worry and fret about the numbers, but that is not our job. They say she is fine and that's all I need (or should) know for now. Stacy is much more stable with that sort of stuff. All the memories of Sierra, Gage, and Lindsey's Berlin keep coming back as I watch (or avoid watching) the monitor.
Couple of other thoughts. I was talking to Katherine last night at the CV. She made a great observation and analogy, and I didn't want to forget it. Regarding Megan, how is she doing and coping with this? Yesterday when I was getting report on Sierra, Megan and Stacy was with Lindsey. At that particular time Lindsey was anxious and wanted comfort. There came a point when Stacy had to leave Lindsey to be with Sierra who was breaking down. I was in the hallway and did not yet have my composure. At that moment Megan too broke down in Lindsey room trying to comfort her little sister. The question is how does Megan cope with all this?
Katherine pointed out that during war, soldiers find themselves in battle with bombs and bullets raining down on them. As soldiers see their comrades fall they begin to feel like they are the next one to drop, as though their next step will be on a bomb shell. Megan is our soldier. In her eyes, she sees her sisters and brother 'falling'. Will she be the 'next one'? She is a strong, but not strong like her sisters, it's a different strong. Ambition, drive, outgoing, fun loving, excited. Several times yesterday she broke down in tears just wanting everything to go away. "Why can't we be normal? I want to go back to the way it was before all this". Many times she has to play the big sister roll and be strong even when she doesn't want to be. Yesterday was a perfect example. Her way of 'getting away' from this is sports, reading, and her friends. I think that is one reason she loves basketball, volleyball, reading, and hangin' out at PK's house. We are also going to find a way for her to go on the Powder Valley School 6th grade trip. I will find a way for her to be there. It will do her good.
These are just some thoughts, Megan is doing good. I just don't want her to ever think that her Mom and Dad love her any less because she is 'healthy'. She is a soldier and a huge strength to her sisters.
As for Hunter and Gage, those boys just love a be boys.
Time to check in with Lindsey and Stacy. I'm ready now.
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16 comments:
Wow! This is overwhelming on so many levels. I am impressed by your strength. You and your wife are warriors, and your children are remarkable. We are praying for you guys. So sorry you have to go through this.
You and your girls are in our prayers as always. Your family is so Inspiring. The strength you all have is amazing. I have came to love your family so much this past year. And I feel as if I know you all personally. I hope that today brings great things. God bless
I love that! I think what you said is so true and I can see exactly how Meg might fear that it soon will be her. I love that you guys are making things as "normal" as possible for the kids, despite the very abnormal situation. If we can help facilitate Megan going on the 6th grade trip in anyway please let us know. love you guys and we are always thinking of you. EJ
Bradey and I often talk about how strong Megan is what a great asset she is to your family, she is so strong and oh so loving. Wish i could be there to hold all of you!!! Word can not even explain how much we look up to you guys and also how much you mean to us!!
You are an amazing family and exceptional parents. I have been following your blog since I saw on Facebook about Lindsey's condition. I was and continue to be inspired by the way you handle the ups and downs of this journey and never loose faith. I would check your blog every few days to see if Lindsey had a heart. I waited and prayed with you for that day when she would get her heart. I loved how you always reminded us to pray for the donor family. Then when that long awaited day finally came, instead of the total joy, and worry over Lindsey, your moment is dampened by yet another hurdle. And you have risen to the challenge as you have before. Maybe this is what our Father in Heaven, and our Savior feel like sometimes. I am O negative, i donate blood all the time, and I checked organ donor on my drivers license years ago. I made that decision because of my blood type. Even though I didn't know exactly what that would mean for me and my family, I felt it was something I needed to do. Now watching your story has made me realize how important it is that I made that decision. I think now, that I need to check into it and make sure that putting it on my drivers license, and telling my family know is all that I need to do. I will continue to pray for your family.
Jason you and Stacy are wonderful parents. You have wonderful kids. I really admire the Strength you have.
Your kids are better kids because of the strength the the two of you have.
I think it will do the kids good to see you cry too. It is hard on everyone and everyone is doing what they must to get through this.
I too have wondered how Megan is handling all of this, she really is in the middle of it :) Thanks to her parents, she will do/be just fine! She has great role models :) I'm sure it's not easy but you are doing so much to give them as much normalcy as you can.
I gave up fb for Lent and trust me it is proving to be a true sacrifice! I want so badly to be able to
share all your updates and ask for prayers, especially now! So I remind myself to 'Lindsey-Up'! It's only 36 more days, nothing compared
to 240 days!
Keep the faith, have courage and know you are in good Hands! God's blessing for you all! M.
!
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love."
- Washington Irving
Sweet Megan, she is sharing the weight of the world on her shoulders with her parents. That's an awful lot for anyone, especially a kid. We anticipated all the joy of Lindsey getting a heart, but that didn't mean you could all go skipping out of the hospital and come home. Our prayers are for Lindsey and Sierra, and all of you; may the Savior lift you up. Love Phil and Judy
A thought for you that I wish I had thought of much earlier to send you..came from Helen Cooper's husbands headstone...I love it, gives me so much comfort and peace!!! I printed it off and framed it for myself....
"Trust Him when doubt seems much stronger. Trust Him when faith may be small. Trust Him when simply to trust Him may be the hardest of all."
Love to you all!!!!
I love the words about Megan being a soldier. And I love what Rebyryan posted about tears. Beautiful.
ps. Got to see Dallee Jo get baptized today, the NP Varsity girls take third place in districts, and hope to see the boys take 1st tonight! And the red winged black birds are back in Haines along with Robins! Yahoo!!!!
The funny thing is that I was just talking with some friends about this very situation with Megan. We thought the same types of things and wondered about her and how it was affecting her. I am sure you guys are her champions just as much as Lindsey, Sierra and Gage's. I was reading in Alma the other day and came across a scripture that really touched me. When my family was going through some struggles that have lasted for over 5 years, but are small in comparision to these things, I was given this scripture to help support me. It is Alma 43:44-45. It is talking about war and fighting for your family. This wise man from Baker City told me that we could liken that scripture to our situation, as you can to yours. They fought like DRAGONS for their families. They wanted to ensure their safety and love. Well Nick and I have fought like dragons for our family and you are fighting for yours. Dragons are fierce creatures that should not be crossed. They are also portrayed as loyal and deadly protective. You have protected and been loyal to your family. You have fought fiercely for your children's right to live and have some control over their lives in drastic situations. Thank you for this example. I just thought you might enjoy that scripture. It has given me a lot of strength during times of hardship and weakness. I have gleaned strength from it as I have waited upon the Lord. We love you and pray for you ALL!!!
Jason, when you talked about soldiers feeling like their time was up, it made me think of our Grandpa Bingham trapped behind enemy lines in the Vosges mountains. You may already know that in one of his last leters home, when he was recovering in a hospital in Britain, he wrote almost the exact same thing- that his 'luck was just about up.'
It just made me think of how your family is carrying on his legacy of toughness under the very hardest of conditions. Thanks for sharing it.
-Curt
My medical miracle (Lily) amazes me, but the person who I admire the very most in all of this is her not quite five year old big sister Lorelei.
Lorelei is currently very sick with strep and possibly influenza. When she realized she was sick, she was crying inconsolably. When I finally calmed her down enough to ask what was wrong, she said, "I can't get my sister sick!"
The thought of compromising her sister devastated her. Lorelei refused to let me tend her at first. The level of sacrifice and pure love of a sister in one so small has taught me more of eternity and perfect love than I could have ever hoped to learn.
Megan may be older, and her understanding deeper, but I know without a doubt that she is in possession of these same divine attributes of sisterhood.
I wish all of you, but most especially Megan, healing from the emotional chaos of a fight like this.
Dear Megan,
Sisters are different flowers from the same garden. ~Author Unknown
You have came from the same garden as your sisters and brothers. A garden that your parents have planted, watered, and given so much sunshine. Your beauty isn't just on the outside. Your beauty shines from within. Your strength shows in everything you do, but you know what? It is ok to not be strong sometimes. It is ok to get mad at what is going on. It is ok to feel like "why can't things just be normal?" I couldn't imagine going through what your family has been through. You are just as big an inspiration to everyone following your family as your parents and your sisters. Keep being you. Keep doing what you do. Keep your head up. but once in awhile, let out the tears. let out a yell or two. And then reach out towards the sun with your beautiful petals and grow on.
~Hugs, pretty flower~
Dione Ashby from Baker City, Oregon
Just a note to tell you how precious I believe your children to be and how the faith and courage your family has is so inspiring. You mentioned Megan in one of your recent posts and I felt compelled to share what I remember of her. When I was a student teacher in her first grade class, I remember her sweet, sweet demeanor (and Sierra's). Both girls were great students, and Megan was such a go-getter. I loved teaching her - she was the model student. Always there with an answer to my questions, and always there to support her peers. I remember one day in particular when Megan was out at recess and one of her friends got sick. Megan frantically brought her in and was in tears - she was so concerned her friend would be sick like her sister. It turned out to just be the flu, but it really touched me that Megan would have such compassion at such a young age. Your Megan has a wonderful love for others, and your family's obvious love and support for one another is very evident. I am so sorry you are all going through these things. With having a loss for knowing what else to do, I will just continue to keep you in my prayers. Blessings to you and your family.
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