Day 314, Just thoughts

September 16, 2016

Thoughts from the plane heading home.

Sometimes Stacy and I really struggle on how to deal with all of this.  Some days I think we are nailing it, others, we are getting nailed.  Since we have moved back into the RMH this week, I have wondered how other fathers would handle this situation.  I think about by brothers, college buddies, clients, cousins, elk hunting buddies, and other friends and neighbors.  They have great families and living the life dealt to them.  What would they do if out of the blue one, then another, then another of their children came down with a life changing disease that completely changed their lives? Would they sell out and move to Calif? Get a different job? Find a home in the Bay area? Keep the family together? Or just stay at home with the kids while the spouse tends to the sick children? This question has haughted me for months as we have made decisions regarding where we live, where our kids go to school, what activities they are involved in, and how often I travel back and forth to Oregon.  I feel so bad for Stacy when I leave her there with the kids.  I have seen the stress load she carries on her back as she cares for Gage, helps the kids with homework, keeps up with 3 medicine regiments, and runs them to different activities and appointments.  We think it is important to keep our kids involved in activities, but when the activities are at the same time at different locations, and the kids cannot be left in the RMH alone, and some need to get to bed, and others have homework, it turns into a rat race.  So where do we draw the line? Something has to give.  I help out as much as I can.  The biggest help I can be to her is helping get kids to school, and running them around after school to activities.  Is this the right thing? I don’t know, but this is what we are going with.   Please understand, I am not comparing our lives to others, or even complaining (which doesn’t do any good), we are just wondering if we are doing the right thing.

We have also wondered if having Megan home in Oregon was the right thing to do.  We miss her terribly bad, especially Stacy.  It would be so good for Stacy to go home for a time to be a Mom to Megan.  That would do them both a lot of good.

Living in the Los Alto home was a good thing for our family.  It gave Stacy the chance to be a ‘regular’ mother with cooking meals in a normal kitchen, girls and boys in separate rooms, a separate room for Stacy and I, a kitchen table to sit and eat at as a family. Those are thing we all take for granted.  Honestly, this RMH room is tiny, very nice and well decorated, but still tiny.  I am not sure where Megan would sleep or where she would keep her stuff if she were here.  The RMH was not made for a family of seven. It is made for one or two parents and one or two kids.  So then the questions comes up if we shouldn’t be taking the kids back to Oregon or just make it work in Calif.   There is no way Stacy or I would want to divide the kids and send them back to Oregon.  Gage and Stacy and myself would not cope with that very well. So now that brings me back to my original question. What would other dad’s do in this situation? Is there another solution?  We have looked (and continue to look) into other places to rent close to the hospital.  The smallest apartments start around $3500/month and a small house is around 6-9000/month.  That is crazy and totally impossible for us. I am already paying a hefty mortgage back in Oregon.    

Stacy and I are doing ok.  It is hard to be away from each other so much.  My first night in Calif I woke up in the middle of the night in a fog wondering who that was next to me in bed.  That’s not something I am proud of.  So many times Stacy or I need to talk and the other is just not available. Honestly, we don’t know how single parents or other couples handle it when the father is away from home for work.  I just hate it!  But for now, this is what needs to happen.

We have deer hunt coming up.  We (I) look forward to this more than about anything else.  We have been going to this same spot since I was 11 years old and I have looked forward to hangin’ out with my brothers every year. It is a place that doesn’t change and is very peaceful. Anyway, we made the decision that Hunter and I would fly back for the hunt, while Stacy is in Calif with Gage, Lindsey and Sierra.  Sierra and Lindsey have too much homework, school, band concerts and sports to be missing two days of school.  In Oregon we can pull this off because they don’t have school on Fridays, but not in Calif.  With the travel time needed and missing school, it would be too much for the girls. As for Hunter in the 5^th grade, it will be good for his mother’s sanity to get him you in the wild for a spell.  We can also catch a couple of Megan’s volleyball games which happen to be in Joseph and Wallowa which is close to the hunt.    

Stacy and I keep telling ourselves how well everything is going and it is! Gage is NOT on in the hospital on the Berlin Heart and is doing fantastic on the LVad.  Rarely does he have issues. Having said that, he did get dizzy today at school to the point of collapsing.  We take that very seriously! That could be a sign of stroke, brain bleed, blood clot, etc.  He did snap out and was check out at the hospital.  Everything checked out fine, but we (Stacy) sure watches him close now. I guess that’s the reason we live so close to the hospital.

I hope you understand I am not complaining or comparing our lives to others.  These are just some of the feelings Stacy and I have and some the inner struggles we are going through.

September 18, 2016

Been home a few days now.  Good to see Megan and be together in our house.  Watched her play volleyball yesterday in the North Powder tournament.  That was so fun.  She has improved a ton since I saw her play 10 days ago.  They are making a copy of the games so Stacy can watch her daughter.

That’s it for now.  I am in my second life in Oregon.  Strange how I pick-up where I left off and keep on keepin' on.

Jason